Monday, April 6, 2009

Skinny Jeans

Ok... so this is a little off topic... Ok, it's really off topic but I have to say it. Guys... STEP AWAY FROM THE SKINNY JEANS! You look like an idiot! They weren't a good look 20 years ago when I was cramming myself into them, and they certainly aren't now hanging halfway off your ass with a sparkly belt and high top converse. You look like you can't dress yourself! It looks like you picked your girlfriends jeans up off the floor 'cause you pissed yourself at the party the night before and tried to cram your skinny ass into them. Or maybe you raided your little sister laundry hamper... I don't know! BAD! BAD! BAD! Unless you are a founding member of an 80's hair metal band you have no business even looking at a rack full of "skinny" jeans! Enough! Get some pants that fit, and pull them up for Christ Sake, I don't want to see your skid filled drawers hangin' out of your pants. What kind of a tool are you that you can't pull your damn pants up? Really? What is the sense in wearing pants with an ass in them if the ASS IS AT YOUR F'ING KNEES? Why don't you just buy some leg warmers? That's it! Just wear your leg warmers so they won't cover your ass and everyone will be able to see you can afford name brand undies. So that would be the leg warmers, your stank ass "name brand" gitch... match that up with your uniform issue Emo belt with or without studs and you're good to go. This shouldn't be a big fashion issue for you all, leg warmers were cool 20 yrs ago too! AND FYI LADIES! TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS!!!!!!! (visions of Flashdance - leg warmer nightmare) THEY JUST AREN'T!!!!! AND DON'T EVEN THINK OF PAIRING THEM WITH A PAIR OF UGG BOOTS... (Ugh! is Aussie slang for Ugly... Oh! And when you wear 'em with your over sized track pants tucked in with the waist band rolled down because they're too big... Your ass looks about the size of a small farm house!). Don't even get me started on the new Rubber Boot thing! WTF????

I saw a guy trying to get onto the bus one day and his skinny jeans were so low and tight that he had to flick his one leg up onto the stair like a lame penguin, then pull himself onto the platform using the railing! I felt like I was watching the National Geographic Channel. Like March of the Penguins when the babies kept falling over 'cause they hadn't quite got the idea behind walking... The funny part of the entire scene was the elderly lady with the walker, he stepped in front of, had less trouble mounting the bus than this kid in the pseudo Emo Rocker-chain wallet wearin' outfit. OMFG!

I know, I know, I'm showing my age, and I'm ignoring the fact that it is fashionable to look like an idiot. But come on... Really? THEY DON'T FIT!!! I speak from experience, my daily uniform used to be painted on black jeans (pulled up so my ass was in the ass of the pants), an over sized white dress shirt, my desert boots, and if it was cold, my black p-coat. Let's not forget my shaved head with bangs that went down past my chin! I was ├╝ber familiar with Manic Panic and its many wonderful colours! I F-ing know what a tool I looked like! I had kids throw walnuts at me one day for looking like such an ass... Man... But I sure was cool strutting down the street listening to "Boys Don't Cry" by The Cure on my casset playing Walkman. (cassettes are magnetic tapes they used to record music on before CDs and MP3 players sort of like VHS tapes... ok, nevermind... this could snowball quickly!)

The thing that makes me laugh so hard about this trend in fashion is that I did it to: a) get women and b) to get away from the norm and be my own person. The people wearing this style now don't realise, they all look the same and are conforming to a new fashion standard. Instead of stepping out of the norm, they are reinforcing it and redefining what "normal" is. All the emo bullshit about how they live for anarchy is nothing but the new standard and gives them a new way to fit in.

Hate to break it to you guys... Emo's been done, and done better! It's run its course as an alternative lifestyle and if you wanna dress like your parents did, by all means... But I always found it much more interesting to be my own person, and plot my own course. Be who you need to be, because that's cool shit, but for the love of the Gods! GET YOUR SORRY ASS INTO SOME PANTS THAT FIT! AND PULL THEM UP SO YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A CHALLENGED PENGUIN!


- G